Terror in the Sand

I went to do my visiting teaching the other day. I met the lady I visit at the Park, the thought was our children could visit while our children played. She has three young, beautiful little boys. They were playing in the sand with trucks and cars being typical little boys. My son came over to them and then proceeded to tell them the following: "Did you know that every galaxy has a black hole? They do, our galaxy does. Our black hole is currently feeding again on stars in the outermost reaches of our galaxy. The closest galaxy to us in the Andromeda galaxy. It is slowly moving towards us and no one knows if and when but it could collide with our galaxy, throwing our solar system off its orbit. This would cause the black holes in each galaxy to start feeding everything in site. Our planet would either be sucked into a black hole and our bodies would be ripped apart, or it would send our planet hurling out into space where the conditions of our life would no longer be possible. So, either way, we're all gonna die!"

That pretty much ended my visit.

Fish

Today we took our children to the fish hatchery. Our son caught two fish which he decided needed to be brought home and used for fertilizer in the backyard. After the ride home of singing songs to the fish and declaring, "I'm touching a real fish!" We arrived home. As we pulled into the driveway our son said, "Fish we have arrived home! No longer will you suffer the indignity of death!"

I am not sure what is saving the already dead fish from the indignity of death, is it that their heads are chopped off, or that they are going to be chopped up further and used as fertilizer in the flower beds. Things to ponder.........

Black Hole

Today my sweet son came into my bedroom sobbing. He was almost uncontrollable. He told me he was so worried that there would be a black hole near our planet and that the gravitational pull would be so great that it would rip all his arms and legs off and suck it into the black hole. POOR KID!! The things you have to worry about when you are a genius! Most of us worry about money or raising our kids or friends........not if a black hole's gravitational pull is going to rip our appendages off.

Cats & Toys

I was looking through my quote book of the gems that my son says and I came across one that I had forgotten about. My son was deep in thought one day and suddenly he looked at me and said, "Mom, cats may die but toys..........they live forever!"

Bedtime Stories

The other night my children decided to tell me a bedtime story. Here are each of my kids stories:

My Daughter - Once upon a time in a magical land where candy canes grow on trees and you eat chocolate and more chocolate. Beautiful dancers were dancing and dancing. The end.

My Son - Once upon a time a giant asteroid came from outer space and collided with earth. The force from the impact was so great that it destroyed everything! Life on the planet was devastated! All the trees, water, buildings and mountains disintegrated. Everyone on earth was dead. The end.

My how my children differ.

If I were a jellyfish

This morning my son told me, "Mom, you could still keep me as your son if I were a jellyfish. But, you would have to get a big tank and we might have to move to a new state with laws protecting people who own jellyfish."

And, now I have a plan if my son ever turns into a jellyfish - good to know.

Littering

Today on the way home - my son said, "Mom, the other day when it was so windy - I saw the wind knock over the garbage cans!" Knowing him, and his love of all things destructive I answered by saying, "yes, I do remember that - wasn't it cool?" Then he replied, "No! no it's not cool. The garbage cans getting knocked over was littering........it's against the law you know!" Well........don't I feel sheepish.

4 dead people in the back

Yesterday during the post-school snack moment, my son said, "Mom, if the center of the earth were to explode the only things you would need to fix it are: a couple metal pipes, a guy, a girl, and four dead people in the backseat." I am unsure of the train of thought that lead to this great conversational moment...........I am sure whatever was going on in his mind was awesome though.

Suction cup - the Squid

The other night we took the kids to dinner at a local Mongolian grill. There they had whole squids that you could cook and eat. My son of course was thrilled! He loves sea creatures - so he went and got two squids. He ate one (that he told us tasted like spaghetti), and the other squid got wrapped in a napkin and placed in his pocket. The squid then came home with us. The next day my son spent playing with his new found friend. He named his squid "suction cup". My son and suction cup did everything together. They ate lunch together, jumped on the trampoline together. It was an exciting and fun-filled day. My son also built an obstacle course for suction cup to go through. The course had long tubes that the squid had to pass through - which as my son informed me was an easy task for suction cup seeing as how he has no bones in his body.

Sadly, suction cup the squid (being a luke-warm and dead squid) started to smell. We explained to our son that the squid had to be thrown away. My son started sobbing. How could we throw away his best friend suction cup? He was adamant that we not treat his best friend in such a manner. So, my son went outside in the backyard and found a suitable place to bury suction cup. Now, we have a grave for an already dead squid. We love you suction cup - you will be missed.

Eating Pandas

My son's school had a zoo parade where each child had to do a report on an animal they liked. The children then got to dress up as said animal and then parade around the school for the parents. Of course, my son was a giant Anaconda. While all the other kids were smiling and waiving at their parents, my son was hissing and quickly sticking his tongue in and out of his mouth like a snake. After the parade the parents got to go up and ask the children about their reports. While this was going on, my son was trying to eat the cute little girl next to him who was dressed like a Panda. There is nothing quite like having to tell a mom that, "yes, that is my son who is currently trying to eat your daughter." I will give my son this much.........he was very true to character.

Vinegar

My son told me that he had a terrible nightmare. As he sat at the kitchen table to tell me about it I could tell the dream must of be bad because he was visibly shaken. I asked him to tell me about the dream and he said, "mom it was terrible! I had a dream we ran out of vinegar!" I had no idea that running out of kitchen items could be so terrifying! I hope tonight I don't have a dream about running out of cumin!

I am famous

Tonight at dinner my son looked at my husband and said, "Dad, did you know I am famous?" My husband said, "really? What are you famous for?" Then my son replied, "I can smell and taste in my brain!"..............gifts you didn't even know your children had! :)

Open real wide

As many of you know, my son is obsessed with snakes. He LOVES them! He is determined to be a herpetologist when he grows up. He wants to milk snakes for their venom.........every mother's dream. So, lately he has decided to start eating like a snake. This causes problems. He tries to put his food in his mouth without cutting it and then tries to swallow without chewing, because, "snakes don't chew mom, they swallow things whole." Well, good for them - not so good for a 6 year-old boy. I can't even tell you how many times I have looked over at the dinner table and seen my son with a whole piece of chicken on his fork trying to move his cheeks back and forth to fit the whole piece in his mouth. Choking inevitably follows. I am not sure why being human is such a bad thing, or why chewing is not the option, but it makes dinner more fun at our house.

Sore throat = special needs

On the way home my son told me he had a sore throat. I told him I was sorry his throat was hurting him, then my son said, "it really hurts mom..........I think I have special needs."

Tarantula's taste like shrimp

Yesterday my son asked me if I could please cook a tarantula for dinner. I told him I thought that would be gross and he said, "No it wouldn't! They taste like shrimp!" I don't want to know how he knows that.

My bedroom on fire

So, there I was - making dinner with my husband. Our three-year-old son was playing in his room. It was a crisp fall day, ahhhhhh peaceful. Then our son came downstairs very slowly. He was taking each step as if it might break if he stepped too hard. He quietly walked into the kitchen and calmly said, "Mom, your bedroom is on fire." I turned and looked at him to try and see if I could tell if he was serious. Our son is obsessed with Volcanoes and numerous times our home is being consumed by lava, or a pyroclastic cloud of some sort. My son then again stated, "Mom, your bedroom is on fire. I lit your bedroom on fire." My husband started walking slowly upstairs to see what kind of game our son was playing when he turned back to me and yelled, "I smell smoke!" We both ran upstairs, opened our bedroom door and saw a match sitting on our dresser that was on fire. Luckily the fire was just a flame and we were able to put it out. Our son walked into the room and I asked him what he was doing! He said matter-of-factly, "I was going camping." The thing that killed me about this encounter was that my son had lit a match, put it on my dresser, walked calmly out of the room, shut the door behind him and then walked slowly down the stairs and calmly told me my bedroom was on fire.

Well........this is my life. Our son is now six. He was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome a couple years ago. Asperger's (besides having such a fantastic name that is never going to get anyone made fun of) is an autism spectrum disorder. It is characterized by obsessing about one topic, social awkwardness, sensitivity to light, sound and touch and an inability to relate to the world around them in a "normal" way. After the diagnosis, we went through the obvious sadness and heartache. Afterwards, we realized that we have a unique life - our son sees things in a different way. We should enjoy and embrace his view of life. Every day he says things that make me laugh so hard I think I should buy stock in depends. So, I have decided to share those stories with you so that once I buy my stock in depends then I will be a rich women with funny stories. I hope you enjoy them......I do!